Well, where was I? Right, the end of October. I was utterly clueless about what was going on with me. I recall that Saturday right after the company meeting when two friends came over for the weekend, and I tried to do my best in pretending that I was alright. However, my dearest Jackal knew well that I was not, probably because he witnessed how much the mood in my responses changed after I returned from Barcelona. So, that day, he decided to drive to Prague unannounced to check on me. In the evening, our weekend group was walking home from shopping. While we were passing the condominium reception desk, the old lady there called me out and told me that someone was waiting for me outside right now and that she was asked to deliver me a message. Sadly, she didn’t whisper, so the entire group heard that, including my ex-partner. This moment threw me significantly off, leaving me in panic and unable to articulate any meaningful response to her. I felt humiliated and embarrassed. And you can guess what happened next… I hastily returned to my apartment, attempting to erase this experience from my memory and pretending it didn’t happen. I also maintained the radio silence for the rest of the evening because I was frightened of answers, any answers. That evening ended up prematurely for me, as I drank a lot of alcohol in a very short time and then passed out in the bedroom, nearly unconscious.
I really hate myself now for this decision back in the day, but I couldn’t really help myself. Due to the exact same fear of answers, I rarely feel comfortable with private chats and meeting someone IRL. I’ve been struggling with it since I can remember, but its strength is very volatile and often overwhelms my will and courage, exploiting any cracks and weaknesses. Because of this, there was another urgent topic that was demanding my answer. I had to officially cancel the planned vacation in Thailand with my mom, which she had been pushing me into since February. The plan was to leave for the entire December, but I wasn’t able to arrange the unpaid leave at my work on time. I categorically refused to spend the majority of my days in Thailand sitting behind my laptop and working there, yet I was technically allowed to do so. It took me nearly a month to fail at the negotiation with my superior and another one to tell my mom. I couldn’t even bring myself to tell her! My dear Jackal did it for me. I am truly sorry to both of you… I didn’t even hope to get a refund of any portion of the €850 plane ticket price, which I paid for. Honestly, I did not want the money back at all. All that my fear was pushing me into was running away from any responsibility and escaping as far as I possibly could.
Despite my shameful best effort to stay away from living a wonderful life like I used to in the preceding months, Jackal had found a tiny crack in the otherwise solid walls of my stubbornness, built by the reappearance of depression. I was aware that he kept close contact with my mom, as both were constantly in sync and trying to help me. However, I was unprepared for the unexpected emotional thunderstorm I experienced upon reading that message from him. Simply said, my beloved mother was crying nearly every day, thinking of me, my health, and my life situation. She cried because despite all the giant progress I made in summer, I instantaneously regressed back. This single piece of information shattered my negative mantra into countless pieces. I couldn’t go on pretending that I didn’t exist anymore, nor stay in the vegetative state I felt so comfortable hopeless in. I was harming her. My mother! A mental shock gripped my chest, making it difficult for me to breathe, and my survival instincts kicked in once again. I knew I had to get the fuck out from that imaginary prison I had mistakenly called home. As the events of past days were so excruciating, I was barely sober for any given moment, so I couldn’t drive. Luckily, Jackal didn’t hesitate after I cried for help, and the next Monday he rushed to Prague to pick me up. I packed the majority of my clothes because I couldn’t tell when I would be able to go back. Thank you for being awesome, my dearest friend! Eventually, day after day, I was able to somewhat recover mentally, but I was barely catching up with what was happening underneath with my emotions. Something was clearly happening. Every time I cuddled him, I felt so safe. His body warmth kept me so calm and relaxed, and I felt truly loved. This time though, loved more than just a good friend. When we kissed for the first time, I slowly started to realize how much he meant to me. My recovery went so well that on the second weekend we both felt confident enough, so our common friend introduced us to a first psychedelic experience with magic mushrooms. A picture taken that night is worth a thousand words:
Wow, I can’t remember the last time I felt so great in my life! Fascinated by colors and boosted sensory inputs, I was able to sense everything around me very differently. I’d pinpoint the perception of colors, which became so bright and glowing, and touches, which felt so warm and soft. Combining these experiences with fursuits makes a recipe for instant happiness. Many people say that mushrooms are a great natural antidepressant, and I can confirm this is definitely true. On Sunday, Jackal was taking me back home. In the car, while my brain was busy preparing to see my home environment again, and when I didn’t anticipate anything like this to happen, he bucked up and admitted his love to me. Wait, was love really that suspicious affection I’ve felt for such a long time? I smiled as my eyes were shedding tears of excitement, and I simply said, “I love you too!” This was the breakthrough moment that turned my life in an entirely different direction. Once I crossed the doorstep of my home again, everything was suddenly different. I felt healed and mainly motivated.
It was mid-November, and some of you might remember that a new PlayStation 5 Pro was released worldwide in the first week, which I managed to pre-order back in September. I missed enjoying the evening sessions on the couch with a shisha. Before, I ran it on the old PlayStation 4 and my recently purchased 65″ Samsung QLED TV. By upgrading my old console, which then granted me 4K resolution at 60 fps, my dopamine levels skyrocketed again. Based on many YouTube videos, it is being said that Elden Ring helps people overcome depression and provides the best realistic escape from the other reality, so why not do my best to conserve my regained energy and positivity for life? But two weeks later, my effort was ruined within a single day, and the adventures in The Lands Between with my Geralt from Rivia double had to be suspended. Being outside only twice in the past week, to go to the dentist to progress in my tooth repair and to buy groceries, I caught tonsillitis from someone. The illness halted my evening gaming sessions and somewhat dealt a critical hit to my overall mental health progress and motivation. For fuck’s sake, could I finally break free from the bad luck curse, please? I can’t take emotional roller coasters at such speeds any longer.
I had experienced tonsillitis for the first time in my life. And I have to say that I haven’t suffered any stronger pain and torture in any illness I have survived before. Jesus Christ! The streptococcus bacteria knocked me out entirely, and since the symptoms appeared on Friday afternoon, I had to survive until Monday morning before I could drive to my doctor to get some antibiotics. Going to an emergency during the weekend was a big no to me, especially considering my strong negative experience with city hospitals. The pills took another whole day before any mitigating effects had finally shown up. Since that Friday, I had been fully pinned down to the bed for more than five days, only being able to watch YouTube and sleep when my body and brain shut down from exhaustion. Drinking, eating, or sleeping as a normal human would was nearly impossible. The antibiotics eventually brought the desired relief, and I was surprisingly looking forward to getting healthy again. I think I should be grateful to ADHD for granting me some positive emotions and energy to keep me sane. It was watching dashcam videos from Czech YouTube channels day and night, which, for some reason, provided me the much-needed escape from both the physical pain and also the dark reality. I craved to be with my newly found partner again, but I knew I couldn’t visit him for another week at minimum, until I fully recovered. Being overwhelmed with inspiration and having so much empty time, I’ve decided to upgrade my old MiVue dashcam in my car with a brand new 70mai one with 4K resolution. Finally, once my energy levels were restored, I dedicated five hours in the garage to hardwiring my new camera into my car. Hey, I made it! I was thrilled that, after all those years, I finally had no wires hanging in the middle of the cabin, ever. As you can see from the second picture below, even the Lightning cable for the CarPlay connection with my iPhone was cleaned up and organized.
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