Taiku's blog

I am about to describe my real-life experience with addictive substances, originating as far back as mid-2021, which begins with a brief introduction starting in 2018 to give readers enough context to understand who I was back in the day and what my personal life looked like.

I avoid using names when mentioning other people. However, everyone who knows me better is able to match the unnamed characters to the real individuals. Please note that this story is not a blaming session, despite the fact that I generally used to blame myself for everything bad around me. The important point is the outcome and the experience. Other characters are neither judged nor criticized, and their involvement in the story is kept neutral.

That being said, this post is not a short read, so either dedicate your time or just close the browser tab now. For better readability, the post is split into several pages. Please follow the navigation at the bottom of the page.

Although the following text does not include any disturbing graphic material, the content may not be suitable for all audiences.

Work… work is what we (usually) need to survive our daily lives, and when we are committed to our work, we may be building a career. That being said, this is exactly what I have been doing since I got my first job, and I was doing great. However, since 2018, I’ve been slowly becoming severely depressed from getting old and losing contact with my peers, which was purely my fault because I stopped enjoying chatting with people and also talking to them. I left Telegram entirely, keeping it only as a communication channel with my partner. But for everyone else, there was radio silence on my end.

From Grief to the Dream Job and Life

In summer 2019, my dog passed away unexpectedly, which literally broke my heart. On the other hand, this unfortunate tragedy allowed me to apply for a dream job, and I got that dream job shortly after, at an international startup tech company. Although my personal life was not in great shape, I dedicated all my energy to that job. And since there was a great opportunity to work with friends on potentially viable evening projects as well, I happily said yes to it. This condition is usually described as workaholism and can sometimes be relatively harmless and other times deadly, but in this particular case, I wanted to keep myself busy, ideally all the time, to prevent other concerning thoughts from filling my mind, and it worked… for a while.

As the time passed by, in spring 2020, during the first wave of COVID, I realized I could not withstand my partner at home anymore, and since public life was effectively shut down due to the full lockdown, I decided to try running. By spending hours and hours, kilometer after kilometer, I was happy that I didn’t have to be at home, and my endorphin went quickly to its maximum level. Until I hurt my knee in early May by being stupid and pushing myself over limits, which ended my running sessions immediately. But this little incident somewhat lit a light somewhere deep in my brain. Because I was bored and had to stay at home, one day I simply opened Telegram again and started answering six-month-old messages until I answered them all. No way, so many chats!

Suddenly I found myself planning to spend a weekend at a friend’s place, whom I almost forgot about, and this is how the most beautiful era of my life began. My dead social batteries charged so quickly, and I rediscovered my happiness and friends again. I started enjoying time spent together with them outside of my so-called home. I remember that one particular moment, when I was sitting on a couch and cuddling with two friends at once while complaining about my relationship. A literal revelation suddenly filled my mind. If you are familiar with the rubber duck effect¹, this moment was exactly it. I started crying when I realized what I was not doing with my life and how I was literally wasting it. The rainfall of tears was soaking into my t-shirt, but I felt relief, a huge relief. Shortly after this weekend, my non-functioning relationship became past, and my apartment was just me and only me again. But some tiny sparks set my heart on fire during that particular weekend, without me even realizing it.

Happiness? Absolutely, but for How Long?

I fell in love with one of those friends I cuddled on the couch with. It was mutual, felt amazing, and was so intense! I’ve never felt happier in my life. What a ride, wooo! Browsing through my memories and content on my phone from 2020, this was definitely the best year of my life ever! Without getting into details about this period, I will skip to the autumn, when the second COVID wave struck the land and everything was closed again². And we lived together because we had to; there was no other option, sadly. The cabin fever popped out shortly, and my personality flaws with the burden, which I carried from my dark past, bared their teeth as well. I cannot even count how many times there was a miscommunication issue or how many times I found myself not understanding some basics of interpersonal communication. You know, those things you learn when you grow up in various social circles. I am not saying I was a pure lone wolf. I was not, but I was kind of close to that characteristic. A typical furry stereotype is an introverted and bullied kid who cannot find their place anywhere, so eventually they end up in the fandom and find their peace among furries. This was my case too, but the conditions of my previous relationships weren’t pushing me much towards the new social circles within the furry community. So I remained pretty isolated, or I forgot how to be mature in social skills, or maybe both. And this had started to take its toll.

With my new partner, we realized that I would benefit from the help of a therapist, and I was lucky enough to find one in early 2021. I’ve slowly regained my confidence as well as trust in my skills, and I was ready to strive for personal growth once again. At least I was thinking such. No matter how hard I tried, a major issue buried deep in me refused to go away. I wasn’t able to fight my inner demon, fear. Fear is what has been defining my personality since forever: fear of discomfort, fear of conflicts and confrontation, fear of big changes. I should’ve been focusing on this topic with my therapist first, but I did not. I didn’t realize how bad my inner drolf’s health was. Remember how I mentioned that I had been working on evening projects with friends? This workaholic environment had slowly been taking over my whole time, and that simply was not compatible with life in a maturing relationship. And at the same time, I was working for a startup company, where things were often pretty wild. Imagine constant incidents and overtimes required by those events, then the lack of qualified employees, which meant more overtimes, and, obviously, that led to an enormous amount of stress I carried on my shoulders. Like the house of cards falling, or the cause-consequence rule, if you prefer, my stress skyrocketed, and again I was experiencing something I’ve known well before. Having two stressful jobs and a relationship just didn’t fit together, so I started looking for solutions. And I chose the worst possible one…

Kratom, a Herbal Stimulant? No, a Fucking Opioid

Curiosity is what has always been pushing me forward, either to learn something now or to try something new. And you bet I was very curious. Many people hate the taste of kratom³, but I loved it! But even more, I loved the effect! Calmness, peace, and strong focus. Such an ultimate boost to my productivity! This is what caffeine should’ve been like, I was thinking. Yes, but… no. Kratom works well for people as long as they strictly avoid daily dosing. One glass with 5 grams of powder per day is enough for your body to build tolerance very quickly. Even when avoiding daily dosing, your body needs to have time to detox regularly. You bet I quickly violated all the recommendations I found online about it because… damn that taste! Why did I enjoy it so much? My path to hell was paved with the highest quality, perfectly smooth, and slippery concrete. And once I stepped on that path, I began sliding, with no way of stopping.

The cause-consequence rule is unforgiving, and so was my quickly developed strategy to avoid all kinds of stress. Not to solve the cause of it, because of fear, but the consequences instead. My kratom consumption was increasing over time as the effects were getting weaker and weaker while maintaining my daily dosage, and this is how I became addicted. I just didn’t want to admit it to myself. Since I work remotely and from home all the time, I had never felt the effect of any kratom shortage or withdrawal symptoms at that time. When I felt the need for its taste deep in my throat, I just mixed a dose in a glass of water. Whenever we had a conflict at home, I prepared myself another dose to calm down. When we had an incident at work and I had to work late at night, I prepared myself yet another dose, and so on. Kratom is generally cheap, so my bank account didn’t even feel the impact of my increasing consumption. And this is how I built up the tolerance of my body to withstand 30–40 grams of kratom powder every single day. Whenever I went outside for longer than three hours, I took the pack of kratom and a spoon with me in my pocket. Finding a vessel with water in it was fairly easy. I remember that once I bought a bottle of water and mixed kratom into it while sitting on a bench in a city park.

Over the course of two years, I finally admitted to myself that I was addicted, but… did it matter? Not really. I didn’t feel any side effects from taking the drug at all, apart from being able to sleep only for 5–6 hours every day. Kratom was the first thing I drank when I woke up, to kick myself to work. During the regular evenings, I couldn’t resist having a few glasses of Captain Morgan mixed with Coca-Cola Zero because, to me, it was a ritual for relaxing. Consuming kratom and drinking alcohol is generally not recommended, but my body was handling it just fine. However, such a lifestyle of a person who is avoiding their personal problems by using the narcotic strategy to achieve it, apart from being uniniative in general, fearful of any discomfort, doing basically nothing except work and wanting nothing for themselves, being dead inside, and generally happy with such a condition, just couldn’t be sustained indefinitely. And so my personal life deteriorated quickly, as did the atmosphere at home. There was literally nothing left: no foundation to build a mutual life on, no vision for the future. Everything was gone. I did see that, and at this point, I believe you guessed right what my solution was. I took even more kratom! What the fuck was wrong with me…? What was I thinking?!

My partner did see that too, and I became single again in mid-2022. Both the relationship and sex life were shattered into pieces, and I ended up on 40–50 grams of kratom powder per day just to mitigate and inhibit depressions and anxieties from such a heartbreaking change in my life. Sessions with my therapist had become quite empty. Nothing was really happening, and my personal growth froze in an empty void. We talked only about my depression in general, but I hadn’t dared to mention that I was an addict. I was scared to tell (did you spot the pattern already?). My therapist was not able to help me in any way other than by listening to me, explaining my emotions, and giving me some weak options because he did not know that my main problem was far bigger than he could’ve deduced. (Now a NSFW confession:) There was another thing. I knew that it felt really amazing to be “high” on kratom and drunk at the same time. What if I added some HHC⁴ oil to the mix occasionally for even deeper relaxation? So I did, and it was just great! In such a condition empowered by combining those drugs, I nearly always had a mood to have some fun with Bad Dragon⁵ dildos, my only fuck buddies. The outcome was always a rodeo of emotions and trippy feelings, despite the fact that I was nearly never able to reach orgasm when riding one of my XL pieces. But I attributed it either to stress, to the alcohol, or, if just tipsy, to my usual erectile dysfunction, which has been slowly evolving and degrading my self-confidence since my 25s.

Famous Slovak liquor, in Czechia as well

I can’t say I didn’t try to quit kratom. I did try twice, and I was nearly successful. By reducing dosage slowly week after week, I managed to drop to 10 grams per day in two doses, one in the morning and the other in the afternoon, without any significant side effects or withdrawal symptoms. I was maintaining the schedule for some time and preparing myself mentally to do the final step, but then… something bad happened, as always. One small, stupid, and silly argument at home, and my brain did exactly what one of the precisely tuned patterns over the past years told it to do. Drolf had always lowered his eyebrows, tucked his fluffy tail between his rear legs, and drank up a few glasses of kratom and alcohol just to calm down the stress. My daily dosage was nearly immediately back at high levels, and I could start all over if I ever wanted to give it another shot. But instead, I gave up; there was no way I was able to quit kratom. But hey, it didn’t seem to do any harm to me, right? Bullshit, I was so wrong…

In software engineering, when a programmer needs to debug their code, they should explain the program line-by-line to a rubber duck. Often, the act of explaining the problem step by step will cause the solution to present itself. ↩︎
Czechia had one of the strictest and longest anti-pandemic regulations put in effect in Europe. ↩︎
Mitragyna speciosa is a tropical evergreen tree in the coffee family native to Southeast Asia. Products from this tree are legally sold in Czechia, more on Wikipedia. ↩︎
Hexahydrocannabinol is a chemical compound similar to THC, just with added hydrogen. Although it occurs naturally in very small amounts in the cannabis plants, the vast majority of it is produced synthetically. Its psychoactive effects are very similar to those of THC, and the substance is also legally sold in Czechia. ↩︎
Bad Dragon is an American manufacturer of fantasy-themed sex toys, primarily targeted at members of the furry fandom. Products are sold online and at conventions. ↩︎