The Downward Spiral of Addiction: My Untold Story

A Spark of Hope: The 4th Dimension

She approached me with a group of young people, the faculty students, as this place was, as mentioned, General Faculty Hospital, and wished me good morning. I didn’t really pay any attention to the students, I just saw the doctor in my tunnel vision. She instantly became the The Goddess to me, a beautiful-looking savior who had the powers to lift the burden off my shoulder and set me free. We talked briefly, I explained my situation to her and didn’t forget to ask whether I could get my phone and watch back, at least that. I was already so deprived of the full isolation I was in for 7 hours straight, and I did not even felt tired or sleepy at all. I was only tired of looking through the window. The Goddess said that, of course, I could request them next door, where the nurse room with the closets of all people’s valuables were located, and she gave me a little hope that I might be released in the afternoon after we have a private chat. In the afternoon, after lunch, ugh… but better than hearing a negative answer. Anyway, I waited no more. I needed some contact with my ex-partner, dearest friends, and family. I needed to know what the time was too. Oh my gosh, finally! I also wanted to get my vape back, but at night they said that given its size and sharp metal edges, it is rather a hand weapon than a nicotine vaporizing device, so they cannot give it to me unless my doctor specifically allows it. However, my nicotine withdrawal did feel like nothing, especially compared to the kratom withdrawal a month ago, so I didn’t care much. I got the most precious items back in my paws, and I could finally communicate with the outside world. I have never missed social contact so much in my entire, life like during this sleepless night. Thank you! But you didn’t have to put those inventory stickers with barcodes on each item. C’mon guys. Those are printed on thin, sticky paper, which is nearly impossible to unstick cleanly. Seeing those stickers made me feel that my belongings don’t belong to me anymore, ugh, whatever. There was so much to tell and explain to a few people on Telegram, especially to my mom, because until now she had no idea that something had even happened to me. Then to my ex-partner that I had been somewhat surviving, to my closest friend who knew that I was escorted to the hospital, to another friend who was in a different hospital for some time due to his medical condition, to sympathize with each other, and, you know, to ease the shared pain with a bit of humor. Luckily, I was smart at night, and I gave my phone in while plugged into the power bank, politely asking to not unplug it, so the battery was fully charged. I could now spend my entirely free time on Telegram and on the web, having at least some entertainment while waiting for lunch and the appointment with my doctor Goddess. At 10 a.m., my alcohol level was finally zero, as reported by another breath test, and I finally received my daily dose of antidepressants and antiepileptic pills.

Shortly after 12 p.m., I heard a call for lunch. My stomach had resigned since the morning, and I didn’t feel hungry anymore. Given my irregular feeding habits, the stomach had already shrunk a long time ago, so my usual intake of food was quite low. But I can’t say I didn’t enjoy the meal, at least a little. What I did not enjoy at all was to see all the patients sitting close together, well, “see”. I had been refusing to look at people, as I felt humiliated and embarrassed for being there with them. There was one particular and scary moment when my eyes met the eyes of a guy who sat across from me at the table. Ugh, that look, that face. I had no idea who this guy was, and I hadn’t said a word, but I was one hundred percent sure I didn’t want this moment to happen ever again. After that, I gave up on eating the rest of my meal and just ran away, taking an apple with me to eat it back in the room. I also noticed that the nurses had no problem giving us metal cutlery for the time being, and this observation gave me a bit of confidence that the place where I was locked up did not have strong safety rules at all, thus most likely not totally insane people were accommodated on this floor.

Back in the room and on my bed, I spent the second longest wait of my life on the phone, continuing my usual introverted patterns and, mainly, not looking at anyone for too long. I didn’t care about the people there. I didn’t want to talk to them, I just wanted to get the fuck out of this horrible place. Luckily, my bed was located in the corner, the best place for introverts, which gave me comfortable vision of the entire room. So while waiting for the doctor’s appointment, I stayed cautious and observed my surroundings carefully. At one moment, a nurse came to the guy who was sleeping on the other side of the room and woke him up. Apparently, it was time for his pills. He had swallowed all of them and remained awake since then. It didn’t take long before that constantly sleeping guy transformed into… It is hard to describe, but my best comparison would be to a dog. He suddenly became alive and hyperactive, but he was behaving strangely. While randomly walking across the room, a supervising male nurse in the room assertively asked him to get back to bed a couple of times. He was definitely living in his own universe inside his head, and I considered it quite entertaining. In one moment, he was sitting on his bed cross-legged; in another moment, he was staring out of the window. He found a pen later, and his best idea was to start drawing on, but actually scratching, the one-way mirror connecting the nurse room to our room. He stopped when the nurse, who had left the room for the time being, returned and yelled at him not to do that again. I also noticed that nurses in general spoke casually and assertively at him while remaining formal in my case. English, unlike Czech, doesn’t distinguish between those forms of verbal communication, so the best analogy I can offer you is to imagine the difference between archaic thou and today’s you. Anyway, that guy was a part of my entertainment, together with Telegram chats and news. Sadly, I didn’t have my headphones with me in the hospital at all, as I’d have watched educational YouTube channels otherwise, but such was life.

In one particular moment, when I was not cautious enough, I had a small and embarrassing accident. As the lunch had triggered my metabolism and my diarrhea symptom hadn’t entirely faded away yet, I didn’t make it to the toilet in time and shat my pajamas a little bit. The nurse, who quickly noticed me running around and looking for a roll of toilet paper, promptly handed me new pants and cheered me up with her gentle sense of humor. She also gave me what I was looking for. Or close enough to that: a big roll of the cheapest toilet paper you could buy in a shop. The one, which you could easily confuse with a grinding paper. It took me a good 10 minutes just to wipe my butt clean, but without water and soap, I definitely couldn’t get rid of that ugly smell radiating from my lower body. Also, a bit of the disgusting brown definitely-not-just-water had soaked into my bed, so I had to cover it with clean parts of the bed sheets in order to be able to lay on top of it, because what else could I do? I felt so powerless, scared, nervous, and empty inside. Only staring into my phone and talking to the unreachable world behind the walls and prison windows kept my sanity at least at the bare minimum. Shortly after, another woman came into the room and was attempting to drag us into Activities. I didn’t really want to, but I felt it was mandatory, so after stopping by the bathroom to dispatch another load of brown water out of my intestines, I entered the social room. I traveled back in time there, feeling that I was in kindergarten or elementary school once again. I got it; people locked up together with me usually had severe mental disorders, so they were probably not able to think clearly, if at all, but hey, my mind was generally alright, and I didn’t really want to participate in pexeso or a game that I would call “Recognize a Czech proverb based on stupid images on a piece of paper.” Yet I sat at the desk next to another person and played the proverb game. After 10 minutes, when I had named the vast majority of stupid images, I just decided to leave the room and never come back. Even reading political news activity on my phone was more entertaining than this kind of activity, which is mentally comparable to a game for 6-year-old children.

Meeting the Higher Power: Towards Redemption Through Humility

Around 1 p.m., The Goddess entered the room and called my name, YES! I put my phone in the only pocket the hospital pajamas had and rushed out of the room to follow her. In her office, I immediately noticed a huge pile of limb restraints hanging on a holder, but otherwise, the room looked totally normal, not even like a doctor’s office. I took a seat across her desk, and she started asking me questions. All of the questions you could imagine: about my childhood, about relationships in my family, known family diseases, past injuries, and meds I used to take. She was nearly interrogating me in order to disassemble my life into elementary particles. We spent more than an hour talking, and in my mind, I was praying to her to give me a green light to be set free. And that moment had finally come! As a person, she was a beautiful young lady with a calming voice and warming laughter, and definitely the type I’d even attempt to hook up with. And after that moment, I liked her even more. Yet for the record, she offered me medical treatment over the weekend (that day was Friday, January 26th), emphasizing that in the hospital they can take care of me for a proper alcohol detox. I kindly refused, saying that I used to have plans for the upcoming weekend with my friends and that they promised to take care of me. I lied a little bit, but just a little, as I would definitely ask them later to deny me any alcohol or addictive substances later in case I had any craving symptoms. So we had a deal, and she would release me! I quickly signed a paper in which I formally refused the hospital treatment, and that was it. I was so grateful and relieved! I also didn’t forget to ask whether I could get my vape back, forwarding what a male nurse told me back at night, and she handled that for me. The Goddess asked me to wait a moment until she would finish her paperwork before releasing me, and we said goodbye to each other. She was a really lovely and cute person, so hearing her say, “I hope we won’t see each other ever again,” did hurt a little bit, but you know, she meant it on a professional level and not a personal one. We left her office together and headed to the nurse room, where she gave me an official permit to have my huge vape back. Finally, I could take a deep, nicotine-boosted vapor breath in the hospital bathroom!

Ahhh! What a wonderful feeling! I spent, like, 10 minutes exhaling dense clouds of smoke through the prison window in the bathroom. So let’s wrap up. I was promised to be set free by The Goddess and I was fed, fully sober, and had my nicotine dose. I got almost everything I desperately needed. The rest was marginal, except for freedom, which I would be granted in a moment. Yet another longest wait (the 3rd!) of my life had begun. She said to wait a moment, but how long was a moment in the doctor’s mind? I did not know that, but I remained patient. After more than 40 minutes, I dared to leave my bed to find her. I was not successful, but I found another female doctor and asked if she knew where The Goddess was. Surprisingly, her answer was quite rude, explaining that the doctors are very busy and that the release procedure normally takes some time. I didn’t dare to say anything else but a short “Yeah, I do realize that. I am sorry. Thank you” and returned back to the room to sit on my bed again. At that time, my friend had been freezing outside while waiting for me nervously. Poor him. Also my ex-partner was waiting at home for me to give him a signal that I was released. Both of them wanted to see me again, but I couldn’t give them an exact answer about when it would happen. After more than an hour, The Goddess entered the room again with a pile of papers in her hand. That was the moment I was waiting for eternity! I immediately rushed to the nurse room and handed the releasing papers over to them. They brought all of my belongings in a plastic box and asked me to sign a transfer protocol again, the same one I had to sign back at night, just under a different column. They brought my clothes back as well, and I rushed to put them on while sticking stuff back in the pants pockets. When I was trying to figure out how my plastic cards in the wallet used to be organized, the nurses brought a new guy inside. I knew exactly what was going to happen to him. Maybe he did not know yet, but I felt a strange compassion for him. The nurses needed my belongings to be gone from the box, so they pushed me to hurry up and get the fuck out of their sight. And that was it. The door got unlocked, and without looking back, I left the floor and the building. It felt so great to be free again! I took a deep breath of the fresh air.