The Downward Spiral of Addiction: My Untold Story

I hugged my friend, who was waiting nearby, closely. We walked for a few hundred meters, agreeing on a weekend plan, as he was supposed to take me to his place with his car. Shortly after, I met my ex-partner, and together we walked home and talked a lot. Before I left home for the weekend with my friend, we clarified to each other what had happened and came up with some shared plans to improve our situation at home. Then I stuffed my backpack and jumped into my friend’s car, which was already waiting outside. The weekend was absolutely perfect! I haven’t felt so relaxed for months. I had a personal canistherapist at hand to cuddle with all the time, as well as two of my friends. We played Dark Souls 3, despite dying constantly in the game, and watched a few movies in between. This was exactly what I needed so desperately, to get out and have attention elsewhere. It had also helped me sort out and process thoughts from the night at the hospital. I was happy once again.

What the dog doin?! The red one, not the sheppy. Keeps crying while dying in Dark Souls 3 of course, what else… 😛 Happy late #FursuitFriday ^^

📸 @Jackal_Sh_CZ + edit 🪄 Leko Bluefang pic.twitter.com/ejkzGcC2uS

— The Jumping Drolf (@TaikuDee) January 28, 2024

The Reconciliation and Lessons Learned

Since that night, I’ve felt that something deep inside me has changed. I was just not able to identify it yet, not even until now as of writing this blog post book. But the effects of the change are noticable to me every single day. I haven’t touched either alcohol or any other drug or substance since that night. My ADHD has been fading away slowly, and I found myself focused at work once again, which feels astonishing! The next week I had another appointment with my psychiatrist, so I brought the five-A4-paper report from the hospital and told him the truth. He hasn’t known me for a long time, so he was a bit skeptical about the possibility of my dedication to not relapse back to drinking, yet I was assuring him that I would definitely not do that. Still, he is the doctor, and he insisted that I start attending the meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous¹ (AA). I didn’t hesitate and went to a local meeting the next day. I cannot really talk about the exact stories people from various social classes and environments share there, but I can tell you this: I’ve found myself in many of those stories, and I felt strong compassion for a lot of people there over time. Those meetings are the therapy that helps me and reminds me why this bad experience has happened to me in the first place, why I am writing this blog post book right now, and why I feel it is my civic duty to share it publicly. The first of AA’s written steps says that you have to admit you are powerless to the alcoholism illness. My takeaway from this is that I’ve finally reconciled with myself, stopped lying to myself, and became humble and honest instead. I admit my own flaws, and I accept them. I humbly asked my God to remove the defects in my character. My God is the drolf, the perfected, ideal, and beautiful version of me, which I can occasionally impersonate when I put on my fursuit. Why the hell did it take 33 years to get to this point?

When the darkness comes and the emptiness swallows your mind. Despite that you look happy and cute, you struggle to cope and the signs are hard to spot.

You are not alone, people love you, let them help!

📸 @KayJayFIN
📍 @eurofurence#FursuitFriday #MentalHealth pic.twitter.com/u06Coxxson

— The Jumping Drolf (@TaikuDee) October 27, 2023

After chatting with one friend about the burdens, complexities, and difficulties of today’s world, he told me one very strong thought, which was like this: “Do not try to find happiness in big things. Learn to be happy with the little ones instead.” I listened to him. It wasn’t that difficult, compared to my life-wasting in the past months, when I was doing literally nothing except watching educational YouTube videos while being drunk and high. I learned to find joy in chatting with people, helping, inspiring, and motivating them regularly, as I used to do years before, and I simply forgot that I was doing it. I also finally became brave enough to organize weekends and invite friends over to our place. As for the fear, I spent my recent Sunday with my mom, and we talked for more than four hours. I don’t remember the last time I was talking to her for such a long period of time; maybe it happened 20 years ago when I was still teenage. Since she is also a therapist, I told her everything buried deep in my heart, and she said, “Whenever you have fear of saying something, try to ask yourself: what is the worst that could happen?” I was given two very strong thoughts within one week! In the evening, we went to a Czech rock concert together, and we both enjoyed it so much! Two days later, I arranged a meeting with my dad, whom I had been mostly ignoring for nearly two years. The reason was simple: since I moved from my old apartment to the new one, I invited him a couple of times to visit us sometimes. And that word, sometimes, was the problem and our source of miscommunication. I took his inactivity as a reason to not care about our relationship and just ignored him. So that evening in the restaurant, I looked into his eyes, asked myself what was the worst that could’ve happened, and started talking. I owed him the truth. Then I asked him politely to stay quiet until I was finished and told him this story in a much shorter version than here. He showed particular interest in the piano, which I also mentioned, so I had to take another big decision very quickly, to come out as a furry. I had never thought that he would care about it, so I didn’t have any reason to ever tell him. Guess what? He loved my fursuit and the idea in general. He even said the word sexy when I showed him one photo. So when we were saying goodbye to each other, I showed him another photo of me, this time with thigh-high socks, arm warmers, a short skirt, a crop-top hoodie, and my fursuit head and paws, commenting that I’ve always been more of a girl than a boy. He smiled at me.

Originally, I wanted to end my storytelling way earlier, at the moment I left the hospital, but the further events happened very recently at the beginning of February 2024, and I justified their importance in the completeness of this story. This horrific experience has in fact helped me realize the truth and gave me the confidence, strength, and courage to make a 180-degree switch in my life. Together with the AA steps, it also gave me motivation to fix whatever damage I’ve caused to people around me and to focus on my own growth while not getting too comfortable. I’ve always raised my ambitions high, no matter what goal I had, and this is no different for me. To be a better and happier person is the ultimate, never-ending life goal, which I will chase. Forever. If I ever slip on my life path, I hope this blog post book will remind me of what I’ve gone through in order to regain my strength and will. I also decided to do the writing exercise to help other people who might struggle with their lives due to fear, drugs, and alcoholism. If this story helps at least one person a little bit, then spending dozens of days writing it was more than worth it to me. By the way, a few days ago, I decided to send an email to a local police department, kindly asking them to help me locate the patrol that was dispatched to my home. I would like to give the girl a small dog plushie as a gesture of gratitude and thanks.

Today, February 12th, as of writing this paragraph, I’ve seen my psychologist once again. I was looking forward to our session because I had so much to say: this entire story, but in a shorter version. I talked for exactly 42 minutes without taking any breaks, and I talked quite quickly. He patiently listened to me and took notes. Since we only had 8 minutes left in our session time, he just wrapped up his impressions shortly. But what he said has encouraged me and charged me with energy. He mentioned that when I entered his office, he immediately noticed that I look happy and more balanced, and that my recent experience has triggered a process of huge changes within my mind on all fronts. He also cheered me up by saying that I do have a positive aura radiating out of me, and to prove his statement, he pinpointed the two moments from my story when I got hugs from my guardian angels, the Armenian/Ukrainian lady and the police officer girl. Especially from the point of view of the police officer, she has violated the policies. I can’t stop thinking about them. They both absolutely deserve to be called my guardian angels. I know where and approximately how to find the lady, and I am working on finding the police girl as well. I believe that eventually I can find them both.

If you managed to read up to this sentence, I cannot be more grateful to you for spending your precious time here. So… thank you! ❤

---

1. Alcoholics Anonymous is a global peer-led mutual fellowship dedicated to abstinence-based recovery from alcoholism through its spiritually inclined twelve-step program. More on Wikipedia. ↩︎