The title feels simple, but the narrative of this follow-up, which is still being written every single day, is everything but simple. The thrill, the energy and excitement, the willpower, and the motivation have all slowly radiated out over time since I dropped my last word here. And today it is just me again. The very similar me who I used to be just before the January incident, but sober.
Six months have passed, and that should be enough for implementing any major life changes or simply to fixate and chase the 180-degree turn I took, right? Naah, you are damn wrong. When hazarding your own health, you should be ready to face the consequences, because most of them are one-way roads, and the damage caused by them can easily grow to enormous sizes.
Six months, and I am stuck. I’m stuck so hard that I can’t make a single step. I don’t know what to do because I feel cornered. So I’m crying into my paws and screaming for help.
The following text does not include any disturbing graphic material either but refers to personal experience, which may not be suitable for all audiences.
- It All Begins With a Missed Chance
- And Ends With the Same Old Song
- Does This Life Still Make Sense?
- Or Is Everything Just Simply Wrong?
- When the Reality Shatters Into Million Pieces
- And I Am Drowning in My Own Feces
- What Would You Guess, My Friend
- How Can This Come to an End?
This is harder than it seems. It has become so hard to follow up on the last page of my previous book blog post because I’ve ended the storytelling with such a positive mood that if there wasn’t the gray box above this paragraph, I would feel entirely lost. Then I remembered all those people who spent their precious time reading my words, then spent even more time finding me on Telegram and showing me their support. The overall response from the public was huge and so positive that I must shout out my huge thank you! No matter what you think after reading the rest of this post, your effort had its value back in February.
Nowadays, all of this has come in vain. First of all…
It All Begins With a Missed Chance
I screwed up, and I did find neither the police girl nor the lady with the dog. I tried, okay? Really, I sent three emails to two different police email addresses. They didn’t reply… And the lady with the dog? Yeah, I went there, to the bridge, once, after 5 months since the incident, and only because I was depressed and didn’t want to stay at home. I failed my guardian angels. I failed myself, and this was only the beginning of the long chain of failures that knocked me down. I’ve also been trying to find any deeper sense in the sessions with my psychologist. Don’t get me wrong, I really like him and also greatly appreciate the option to talk openly, but something has been clearly missing there. Appointments with my psychiatrist have degraded into a simple form of “Did you drink anything? No? Okay, see you in 3 months.” I feel ignored when I am trying to explain my amplified ADHD1 issues with my brain or my never-ending issues with falling asleep.
I screwed up with my personal priorities as well. Maybe it was all because I had fucking pink glasses on, which I put on me under the dopamine overload, only to find out that execution can get overwhelmingly difficult too, especially when facing emotionally sensitive parts of my own life. Initially, I thought it would fade away in a few days, as I kept getting so many cheerful and encouraging messages from people all around the world. Thank you again for it! ❤ But it didn’t fade anywhere. It turned out to be my Achilles’ heel. And sometimes this weakness can get so strong that I can’t hold it anymore. What is staying away from kratom for over six months? Nothing. Today I take one glass per day at maximum, solely for the purposes of saving my ass at work. It hurts writing and admitting it to myself, like if the letters were screaming “You are a failure!” at me, but I had to. I simply had to have some deliveries. Otherwise, I would’ve been fired. Trust me, I was considering this decision for more than a month and left it until the very last chance. At least I was able to deliver at work, and so I averted imminent financial issues, which would otherwise be quite drastic and life-changing.
I screwed up with cannabinoid derivatives too, and I wrote this dedicated paragraph just to mention it. I screwed up nearly perfectly because I am using oils to keep myself not-that-stressed. I don’t overdo the dosing, but I can definitely feel it. Weed oils2 have become my wrong escape strategy when I don’t see any other ones. I wouldn’t say I am addicted to them, as I’d take anything that would relieve the stress a bit. In fact, I would prefer prescribed pills. However, you can guess correctly that apart from terminating my antidepressant treatment on my request with my psychiatrist, we didn’t move on with any topic at all. And you can also guess that I am using this improved high condition of mine to play with my only intimate friends, Bad Dragon dildos, so there is something positive about it! Haha, you just had to mention it, you fool! Umm, what was that?!
And Ends With the Same Old Song
To balance the beams of the scale, I have to pinpoint that my mom gave me an early birthday gift: singing lessons, and it was definitely the best gift I’ve gotten since many years ago ❤ I can feel the drastic improvement in my performance after half a year, and it makes me a little bit proud of myself, I’d say, maybe? I can now fully sing the Sound of Silence cover by Disturbed. And I still want to record it, and I would prefer to play it on the piano too. But my struggle with motivation is way too real. Anyway, since I spoiled the ending in the previous paragraphs, I should now go back to the beginning, which happens to be at the end of February 2024.
I was celebrating my birthday at the end of the month and had an overall enjoyable Saturday party at home. To give you quick introspection about how my subconscious remembers the event, I will pinpoint the first memories from that day. The first would be a mess with the chocolate fountain, which I spent hours fixing. And the second is a feeling of guilt because I did not thank friends for helping me with party preparations, and someone complained about it loudly. By looking at March in the calendar, I know I visited my friend one weekend, but my memory of it isn’t really pleasant, and it rather refers to negative emotions I felt just before my departure on Friday and after my arrival on Sunday, in other words, when I was at home. Thanks to my 𝕏 Twitter, I can remember we had a long walk with the doggo on Saturday while looking for any traces of radiation above the background noise. The last event to happen during this month, which I still somewhat remember, was a friend’s birthday party in Ostrava.
April was quite surprising. If you told me that I’d manage to cash out some of my dogecoins to buy a new laptop, TV, professional rackmount sound card, and a Roland flagship digital synthesizer piano, I’d laugh at you. But it has actually happened, lmao. Apart from that, I’ve visited another friend of mine to whom I had been promising a visit for years, and I’ve really enjoyed the weekend a lot! But again… I could sense this stain of something disgusting that had tainted my memory, followed by an emotional explosion. This happened either at the end of April or at the beginning of May. It got me. Kaboom!
I’ve faced a mental breakdown stronger than I have ever experienced before. This was nothing similar to what I was used to, because at that time I didn’t know this was it. By it, I mean whatever has changed somewhere deep inside me months prior to this moment (as mentioned at the end of the previous post). Initially, I was confused and eventually needed a couple of weeks to sort out my thoughts. Right, because you were doing nothing, you lazy faggot. It took way too long, which eventually caused damage everywhere around me, but my brain was refusing to cooperate with me. It promoted itself to my archnemesis and became my nihilistic inner voice, who terrorizes me with dark thoughts every now and then. Don’t trust this pathethic creature. He is a liar. If he were nominated for an Oscar for his life role, he would’ve won it without doubt. Shut up! See?
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